Beer Goggles Song
Woodie's cousin and the Internet by Tony Crowley
My cousin and Internet Woodie
By Tony Crowley
My cousin was a dropout overweight Woodie school in its first 40 years living in a trailer park in the U.S.. He never married and was often unemployed. It was a smart man, but a little crazy. In general, kept himself so few people in the park has seen it all. Certainly, heard however, for at dawn burst into song he liked, only that make up any word he did not know:
Jo Jo was a man before she was a woman, but it was another man.
Michelle ma belle, some say monkeys play piano well, ma belle Michelle.
Beatles fans who have found it especially annoying. I know I would.
Woodie liked to brag his collection of exotic foreign magazines that he hid in a shoe box in his lair, when around his ma call. He also held a composition, ordered a lot of model airplane glue and wrote bad poetry. Although I had not seen for several years, he emailed me regularly.? His main contact with the outside world, however, was on the Internet where it is used pseudonyms dubious and sent up or satirized forums Internet.
In a parenting forum of an anxious parent reported that, to his horror, he found his daughter 13yr smoking. Among the useful members suggestions and answers, you have found Trailertrash wondering if it was just hanging out with bikers or smoking in front of their children.
In a forum medical Trousersnake be pitied those who suffer loss of libido but described in some detail how the offending medication (Lyrica) was having an effect completely opposite to him. He sound like bragging.
A missionary ship bound for Africa was imprisoned awaiting repairs in Newcastle England. Eager to sail, the crew expressed their frustration through various blogs, the lack of progress in the yard. T, rinity Woodie said the good people on the ship will probably always be the only form of employment in that city, would never be entitled to vacation. In these circumstances, to be consider devoting his life to the conversion of the premises. His suggestion was not well received.
Visiting a sailing forum, Captain Bligh as an RN, that published a design for a self-direction, which looked very real, but it was complete nonsense. Several hundred members made the device, Strangely, some of them claimed that it worked. An unfortunate sailor was used in a crossing of the Pacific and was never heard from again.
Indeed, if you are a member of the international forum PrayForMe, Repentance remove the list of people who need help. Like most of us can Woodie have worried about the stock market, but he was not the billionaire said he was and did not require divine intervention in their choice of investments. Be generous, brothers and sisters, and find some space in their hearts to forgive him.
If you happen across any of their suggestions to avoid speeding fines or income taxes, I would suggest you ignore them. At that time, some were quite promising, but all the loopholes have been closed.
Childhood
Although I was scared and not his mother, Woodie was very loyal to it. In fact, when she was transferred to the infirmary, visited the prison every month. He once told me that as a boy entered a talent contest and sang a sentimental song he had heard on the radio:
M is for the million things she gave
Or is it just that she is aging
T is for the tears she shed to save me
H is for her heart of pure gold
I is for shining eyes forever
R is right and right she will always be
Put them all together spell MOTHER
A word that means everything to me.
While the audience, judges and his mother, laughing, Woodie was at the stage of confusion. Then, struggling to contain his amusement, a senior judge shouted:
Put them all together, they spell MOTHER.
A word that makes no sense to me!
The audience collapsed in convulsions and fled Woodie the stage with tears. That was the end of his brief career in show business. When her mother told me this, she was laughing and said, 'Little varmint should taking a bow. Could have won. "
Siblings? Yes, two older sisters. Like children, I think they liked him, but he a strange way of showing it. They once told him he had a twin brother named Forrest. He was very excited and asked where was his twin brother. Were offered to teach. "Do I have to wear shoes?" He asked. "No," replied, "Come on bare feet." Followed to the bottom of the garden, where he showed great mound. "Forrest is buried under there," she whispered sadly, and then ran laughing in the field of pig. I think it affected him badly.
The world of education was not always kind to Woodie. On his first day, the teacher told the children they would do a drawing of something they liked. He handed a paper and crayons and children with enthusiasm to the task. When they finished, she told them to put their names in his drawings and hand in which he could mark them. Woodie, who had drawn a very good picture of jet, her dog, anxiously waiting for the teacher studied the various works art. Then he showed them individually to the class and it was clear that the quality of the artwork while working gradually improved through the stack. Finally, he the last picture and it had to be of Woodie. 'Now look carefully, the children, "she ordered. For joy Woodie, called the sketch of Syringe his beloved front of the class. Then, to his horror, that broke the image into several pieces. 'This is what happens when you do not put your name on your work. "
A few years ago, I asked if he had ever seen his father and told me he had found only once. His pa had appeared in a motorcycle outside the educational institution where Woodie is being reformed and asked permission to spend a couple of hours with your child. After a conference on emergency personnel permission was granted and, Woodie precariously in the back seat, they roared together in the desert. Later, leaning against a rock and enjoy a joint on both lost time stared at his son for a while and then offered some words of wisdom. "Listen," Kiddo said, 'Whenever you get nervous, breathe deeply several times to calm down. It always works with me. Woodie thanked him for the fatherly advice, but thought I would have preferred a helmet. With the fall evening rushed to the school. As the doors closed behind him, Woodie turned and watched his father disappear into the sunset in a cloud of smoke. That was the last he ever saw. Woodie asked him what his father looked like. "I do not know," he replied, "He never took his glasses off.
Woodie never was very safe or comfortable with the girls. His mother once told me that any decent girl would be hard-pressed to find a romantic association with his son, although these were not his exact words. He did, however, have a Brazilian named person Lidjaine. He was learning English at the time and, after an exchange of letters, he sent a lovely poem he had written.
A Lidjaine
Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
With his long flowing mane
and two identical eyes
I put my heart on fire.
Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
I know that's not your fault
But one thing about you
I think a little crazy.
Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
I think it's a shame
If your parents did not call you
On the other name.
Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
Oh, please can you explain
How do you pronounce
His clumsy looking name?
Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
She never replied that it was a shame because I got good grades in English. For years, held a photo of your fainting covered in his lair with the letter of Prince Carlos (yes, living in London, England). More of that later.
Woodie never married and is probably the best. A few years ago, was asked Santa Claus at the staff Christmas party at the sewage farm, where he worked as an inspector of drains. With your fingers tattooed and hair disheveled, children approached him with some trepidation to collect the gifts. One of their cries of greeting was "Hello and when your mother gets out of jail?" For those who dared to answer Mom was not in jail, he shouted "That's great news! So they let her out in time for Christmas!" The following year hired a professional actor for this role.
Despite its failure as a young singer Woodie never abandoned his dream of becoming a famous composer. From time to time, sent me the lyrics of the songs he had written and asked me to put a song for them. I got tired of it and just kept sending the same melody, but Woodie I was too busy writing new songs to notice.
I guess I should have written more than three hundred songs. The last thing I sent was titled Try, Try, Try Again. that seemed appropriate. He liked to write country music: Marriage is tomorrow, but tonight the honeymoon!, She stole my heart, my hat and my horse, so he just sent you stayed here several well-known country singers, but its officials ignored him. Personally, I found it quite disturbing. This is the chorus:
I see a man with my wife
I see a man living my life
I see a man with my girl
If there he had a gun blast to hell.
But I'll just be here alone
I will be here on my own
I am here out of town
I'll be here – six feet below.
animal lovers have not appreciated the lyrics to bring your dog to the right. It only takes a verse to see why:
Oh, I love my dog to pieces
To really cure the sadness,
But I need your ass every time I meet
Its stuck disorder shoes.
Inventions. Now there was a subject close to Woodie if not the heart of his brain. Some of his ideas ruined belief, but may take on a day. For example, developed an air bag for use with a motorcycle (too late for that ride in the desert), and there was the car that could be driven from the back seat. His other major contribution to road safety is a sharp peak steel anchored in the center of a wheel and pointing at the heart of the driver. Instead of lower risk was the rocking chair to the side for use as a means of training to cure sickness. Then there was the harmonica was played in a gust of wind. Another project consisted of homemade fireworks. With a recipe for the explosives found on the Internet, a hat designed to fire rockets and showed that on Halloween. Woodie Although he lost most of her hair, hat neighbors considered a resounding success. He blamed the confusing instructions – part of which was in Arabic. I also remember baby bed cage that was something parents could use to protect their babies in bed. If one or both parents in junior turned, the bars of the cage were strong enough to withstand the weight of two obese adults. As I said before, it was probably for the best that he did not father any children.
The explosion was not the only time Woodie diced with danger. He stumbled into a forum for celebrating the beauty of young models and actresses. The type of forum where kids post sad things like 'OMG I love her and want to marry her someday! "Woodie added comments like 'Well, I just want to come and play with my train set. Or" Hey, she is like my favorite niece, Jolene! '. When I said that, I hit the ceiling. I told him to refrain from these things. You never know who is on these sites. The Internet is a dangerous place, even for the guys who own a train and mean what they say. Now that I think, I do not remember a niece named Jolene.
Previously, I mentioned a letter from Prince Charles. In fact, the letter came from personal assistant to the prince, but had the correct address on it and all settings. To the Apparently, a few years ago Prince Charles had an accident. Maybe he was playing polo or involved in some kind of horse game, but spent the night in a hospital National Health Service. This was a modest target care to wounded-to-be king, but was treated with great skill and the story was picked up by the international press. Woodie came up with the idea that this was a public institution that provides very basic medical care for the poor, and some people in the United Kingdom would agree. He wrote a letter to Prince Charles expressed his sympathy for the injury and suggesting that he took any health insurance from Blue Cross. Around Mail thanked him for his concern and assured him that the Prince had fully recovered. Woodie was very proud of that letter. As seen below, may have been his first, but not his last contact with royalty.
For someone who had probably never seen the sea, was very interested Woodie on ships and was delighted when I sent her a romantic picture of the SS, a rust bucket in which I worked. One day, he took the photo from where it was crushed beneath his beloved Lidjaine and, once scanned, started to mess around with photoshop. Altered the mast, extended into the funnel, added some eyes extra beef, disguised the name and then placed in an international forum for fans of the ship. As Neptune, who asked forum members to help identify and applied their knowledge and skills to this task with great enthusiasm. The nationality of the ship has been the subject of much discussion and, according to experts, was variously owned by Norway, Israel, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia or Poland. One member was adamant that he could see a star of David into the funnel, while another insisted that the pattern was caused by some radio masts. The two became very argumentative on this point and had to be restrained by a moderator. asked to describe where the photo was taken, Woodie said he had seen the mystery ship in Antarctica. Excited by this news, experts embarked on another line of research, but is one that only led to more arguments. At the moment the subject had clocked up 2,500 visitors, Woodie decided to drop anchor. He returned to his original post and replaced the false with the true picture. The arguments running in a few days and then someone new to the subject asked what the fuss was about. In his opinion, was perfectly obvious to any fool that the ship was the romantic of the SS, the name was clearly painted on the bow. Some of the experts freestyle were furious and demanded Neptune's immediate expulsion. One member was injured especially angry because he had paid a lab to work on the picture to reveal the name of the ship. At the junction the within Australia to do so, his car had broken down and was walking a couple of days before being rescued.
After that, tried Woodie spreading an urban myth in which the government blocked the publication of a report comparing the personalities of criminals and police. In a study of 16 different features, no significant differences between the two populations were discovered. Can you imagine that anyone would believe such a thing? As Trailerskunk, he soon tired of asking the sites where I could get some suppositories junkie pot, 'I need a bullet in the form of preparation I can place where the sun do not shine and the cops will not be. "Some of his irritation, he discovered that this type of product actually existed and came highly recommended, which had the wind from his sails. Later, when IllegalAlien, UFO sightings filed with the National Reporting Center. "Driving north on I-440, I observed in the night sky a cigar-shaped object with a long row of windows and flashing lights down to earth. The helicopter landed in a field east of Little Rock. Nobody seemed to realize that this event occurs about 150 times a day in Little Rock, but he was beginning to lose interest. Then the Nigerian scammers entered into your computer and you must have lived to regret it.
As most people who use the Internet, Woodie had its fair share of scam e-mails, particularly those that appear in the inbox and say things like:
Dear Friend
It is in the heart of hope that I am writing to seek your help in the context below. Munga Genz I, the first son of the late MKO Munga, a political philanthropist and winner of the alleged June 12, 1993 Presidential election, who died Gen custody Inje Obanithe former military president of the Democratic Republic of Nigeria. I know you will be amazed at how I got your contact, but was after a careful search of my late father I saw your contact file, I have no doubt his willingness to assist me in receiving custody (safety) the sum of forty-eight million, five hundred thousand United States Dollars (U.S. $ 48.5M) behind and deposited on my behalf by my late father. ……… And so on.
There were several ways of dealing with these requests. One was to create an email address that included the name of the sender. Thus in the example above, would become genzamunga@whatever.com and berate the court for stealing his name and two scam. He threatened to send the heavy mob, "Because I know you're hiding. "Other times, however, he would agree to collect dollars cash or jewels in the family personally and take rate of release $ 1,000 in cash.
A spin-off of these scam emails was that his geographical knowledge increased significantly world without leaving the trailer. He became very knowledgeable about the countries of Africa, Holland, and the streets of Amsterdam in particular. Often he took the trouble to investigate the cost and flight from New York to Amsterdam. Naturally, he would expect a driver and car to meet him at the airport and the driver had to carry a card large syringe with the word. Jet, of course, had long since died. Woodie but had never forgotten her real friends only. At its meeting of swindlers, usually select the quotation which he himself describes as follows:
Go to the bar Amnesia on Herengracht. The music is not the pits, but the coffee is good and the other clients will be too busy enjoying the smoke to notice us. I will be an empty violin case can be thrown into a nearby canal if we have to go elsewhere to talk business. Meet me at the table next to the entrance to the bathroom.
He said that sometimes he managed to arrange meetings with several different scammers while and sit in your trailer imagining them all his way through the smoke to sit at the same table at the entrance to the bathroom.
I knew he had got involved in this kind of nonsense, because he had begun inserting certain phrases in e-mails that sent me phrases he had learned of his new friends, such as:
Thank you and God bless you please extend my greetings to your family.
WHAT IS GOING ON?
Anyway, my friend.
Then came the fateful day when the Queen came Shonekan Woodie cyberspace. It was the usual type scam with the promise of 30% of 9 million dollars deposited by her late father (the first country's interim president) on the banks of South Africa. In the first time he played all the usual tricks of lost time and was greeted by picturesque spelling, for example, massage instead of the message. 'O Queen, what I look like forward to your next massage. "With the help of a schedule of the airways, he found a flight that sounded plausible: SAA235 to Johannesburg, arriving 6 September at 7:25 a.m. local time. He apologized for his early arrival – deliberately scheduled for mid-busiest rush hour in Africa. Somewhat to his surprise, the Shonekan booked a queen room at the Road Lodge Hotel not far from the airport and given a reservation number. Out of curiosity, Woodie check the reservation and found that is authentic. But of course, he was still back home in his trailer when its driver and his assistant appeared at the airport to receive him. Queen Shonekan began to panic:
I am writing to ask what is actually happening. You did not come. Even sent me a massage where appropriate. Please reply to ease my mind. I'm waiting at the Road Lodge Hotel and I am very worried. Please do not destroy my life and future.
One afternoon massage the message of forgiveness, Woodie reported that his driver and assistant had been arrested at the airport and that she was in serious trouble. It was here that he began to feel Woodie guilty. His excuse for missing the flight was a lame, but the queen was swallowed. Then mail your ideas on how I could escape the building and avoid being caught by South African police. Finally, received the good news that he had taken up his suggestion of hiding in a dumpster for which means that had been transported free of charge, to a point not far from industrial center of the city. After that, they began to exchange messages, and even occasional photo. Undoubtedly, the queen Shonekan was an attractive woman and her picture soon replaced by that of Lidjaine on the wall of his den.
When I told Woodie all this, he urged to be cautious for Queen Shonekan may not be a real woman monarch. In fact, it could become a six-man weighing 180 pounds standing who worked occasionally as a bodyguard when he was not sitting in an internet cafe. But it was useless and he was hooked up to their e-mails suddenly stopped, talked of nothing but African Queen. Even wrote to his mother and asked her to make him see it, but the response I received was a shock. Woodie had disappeared from the trailer park and nobody knew his whereabouts. I could not believe he had gone to South Africa to be with the Queen Shonekan, but always was a chance he had. It was a complete mystery.
So the months passed and there was not a word of Woodie. Then, while visiting friends in the U.S., I thought passing the trailer park where he lived and went in. An old man sitting on a bench in the sun, said Woodie trailer now occupied by another family. I asked him if he remembered my cousin. "Remember him? He replied:" I will never forget. As sure as hell that kid was wired to the moon. Most people here avoided him, but he does not scare me. About a year ago, only for one night and never returned. There was an African lady with him. Fine looking woman too. I do not know what was in it, but it takes all kinds. "
We sat there sharing a beer and watching people go to work in the park. "You're not the only person who has been here in search of him," he continued. I Another visitor asked what it seemed. "There is a visitor," I replied, "A whole damn bunch of them. Police cars around the Instead, special agents in the trees, loud hailers in the weapons list. I was afraid of my mind! We had guys narcotics squad, the IRS, the agency protection of children, the immigration service. Whatever, they were there. In fact, before they discovered he had left, they were arguing about who should start it. Do you know that Woodie had a little train set? Then they searched his trailer, some of them sat outside playing with him. The others were going through a stack of magazines and took them a long time. I guess there was something hidden there. The two guys from the IRS keeps sniffing some cans. I'll never know what that guy was doing, but they were not legal. "
As they left the trailer park in the afternoon, I felt a warm glow interior. Cruise down the road, I burst into a song by Bob Dylan, who was a favorite of Woodie:
"The ants are my friends, is blowing in wind
The ants are blowing in the wind. '
Woodie, if you read this, I want you and also African Queen. Have a long and happy life together. You do not have to send me another email. In fact, I would be happy if you never touch another computer or surf the internet again.
About the Author
Johnnys Got His Beer Goggles On! (Sga)