Bartending Bible
My aunt went to Fatima and All I Got Was This T-Shirt Fatal!
It's been awhile since I sat down and hit one of these items …..
I have been a bit busy and distracted, running around the Iberian Peninsula.
It was a wonderful, if not slightly surreal, three and a half weeks and, like all time that I take to a new place, I learned valuable lessons about life and the aspects of me that I had not previously given account.
For starters, I have come to sadly accept the fact that I am possibly the worst bargainer in the universe (75 euros? Ok Mr Wise Guy street vendors, I have two 150 !!!"). have also concluded that while traveling in a foreign country, you should probably brush up basic needs of the native language. In particular, the basic beverage orders "in the vernacular. I think I may have gone to Spain leaving many scratching his head waiter, bearing in mind that quite often subsides in a bar and trust bark "A Pinto Wine Please! "
Invariably, a large glass of red that appear in front of me, so I began to think that my Spanish was pretty hot accident. However, after a week or so of this, while dining at a restaurant in Lisbon with friends who were much more fluid, tactfully pointed out to me that if I wanted to order a Merlot, it is probably safe to say "a red wine."
As a result, the word "Pinto" red means no, but rather "small penis" in some dialects in Spanish.
This explains the expressions initial confusion on the Maître D's face, followed by a less than subtle smile and go out with my drink, very often in the form of a phallic ship. (Note the Ford Company – this just may be the reason why its new compact car was not flying off the lots in Venezuela.)
Thus, aside of these minor hiccups, adventure ran surprisingly free of incidents.
When you travel around Europe for a long period of time tend to acquire some of the Cathedral-fatigue. The architecture is amazing, awesome, dont get me wrong. However, after visiting about a thousand and eight of them, in a period of four hours and twenty, you're (a little guilty) wish to see an outdoor dunny, Queensland around 1955 … just for a change of pace.
This brings me to a funny incident at Fatima.
For those of you who know me well, I'm not the most devout person in the neighborhood. I suspect that a man named Jesus walked the Earth at some point and may have even performed some very groovy tricks to amaze the masses as to feed them a lot of fish and wine (red wine, perhaps?), however, there is no place in the Bible that says you could do a double gorgonzola and roquefort soufflé place successfully – the miracle is accomplished in my books.
In any case, Fatima is a small quiet town about an hour north of Lisbon in Portugal. It is world famous and welcomes hundreds of thousands of visitors each year. When you drive into the city, did not seem particularly surprising. The houses are small and white and the tone of the downtown area is very gentle.
As I discovered, Fatima's claim to fame is that it appeared in 1917, three young shepherds were standing around, minding their own business, when the Virgin Mary came down to deliver a message of faith and goodwill.
As you can imagine, this turn of events was probably a bit disconcerting to the shepherds. Imagine standing in a field knee-deep in disinfectant when a holy apparition appears out of nowhere to say "Good day." I'm sure would have appreciated some advance notice, at least could put the kettle on Vovos and get ice cream.
La Virgen Maria proceeded to keep popping in and out of the next few months (one can only wonder if ever chose a wrong time to stick his head in. "Hey, whoa Lady … Give me a minute … I'm in the can here!") And as a result, now has one of Fatima's most visited and venerated basilicas in the world.
The monument is spectacular, even by this little agnostic standards. It is to a large courtyard paved in dazzling white and gold. A large crucifix imposing, at least three stories high, thanks to the other end of the paved area, and the connection of the two in a square is a plain granite walkway. From a distance, I thought I saw a large group of dwarves walking around the perimeter of this area Specifically, although the inspection .. r, which proved to be several people, kneeling, moving by land.
The expression on my face must have said all this, as one of the guides turned to me and said "They are showing their reverence for the Virgin Mary. The people travel around the world to walk on their knees up and back from the monument of penance and to show respect. "
I turned to look at a young woman, from the expression pinched face, may well have been thinking about a vacation in the Bahamas would have been a better idea, and realized that took heavy knee-pads for the ride. The guide nudged me and pointed again to my left. There was a large sign outside a wardrobe "KNEE PAD RENTAL 20 euros." And here I was thinking he had jumped out with his skateboard to join the fun.
Just when I thought I could not get any stranger, I spent the area offering sailing – a large channel, where you could buy and burn candles for prayer. It seemed pretty clear to me di realized that these were not your every day candles.
None of those long, tubular white varieties here.
Suffering a broken leg? Here! Taken one of these in candles-shin. Bit of indigestion lately? No worries, offering up this candle intestine slim and stay right in a moment. sorry to see that you have a freakishly large nose. Illuminate a horn-these bad boys and see what comes out in the wash. It genital warts? I see ….
Sorry, ran out of that mark in the pub last Friday night.
Comically enough not to locate a candle to cure cynicism …
I joke, but it is all an architectural wonder in sight, and if the magnitude of the number people visit here every year to find some comfort, then it is a decent place.
One more thing must be said here, however. ……
Apart from being one of the largest basilicas in the world, it also boasts perhaps the greatest saint of gift-shop I've ever seen. As part of his pilgrimage to the Basilica, are forced to go and have a browse around what can only be described as the Opus Dei-Mart.
Forty and five ships of the statues of Mary, Joseph, Jesus … (And Jesus lesser known second cousin Gary) … you can buy a pocket-size figures to models 120 kilo-like life … wherever your mood takes you holy.
There was red light special on plastic baptismal fonts, and 50% of crucifixes chocolate (for 400 € you can also see how the Cardinal Maximus IIIVVV sexy purple velvet robes … scepter sold separately). No rows were ignored and rows of statues of the Virgin Mary in Caucasians and African Americans need to look for each ethnic Asian. Just off the exit there is a priest on hand for any last minute blessings on your purchases. When he is not there (like the day we visited) is not a DIY source-Blessing of holy water that can splash around willy-nilly (but preferably not in the hard copies of "Jesus' Miraculous Visage Margarine).
I bought a shirt sporting an image of Jesus in a pair of boardshorts for my baby niece, whom I hope he appreciates the gesture, the irony … and when she is a slightly higher.
Most hilarious thing I experienced during this memorable visit was to hear a husband and wife arguing about the fact I wanted to send a mud house forty pounds whole Nativity. When her husband complained, he snapped indignantly "You can not put a price on faith!"
Well … can apparently …. and three thousand euros, including VAT.
The Lord Almighty happily accepts VISA, MasterCard and American Express as well ….
It's all part of the fun of travel …..
As rightly St. Augustine wrote:
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only a page …
Tune in next time when I'll tell you all about a Moroccan in pajamas … that bit my shoulder and called me a Communist!
About the Author
Kylie is a well travelled free-lance writer who has been published in several magazines in Australia and the United States including “Honestly Woman” and “Third Coast Marketing”.
Come on in..sit down and enjoy…bring your prescription drugs if necessary.
Scam Bible on 20/20